We stay up late every night. Regret it every morning. Then do it again

That one password you use for everything and if anyone ever figured it out they could single-handedly ruin your entire life

Not telling me something because you “didn’t want to piss me off” is probably the best way to piss me off.

People who make me laugh until i’m physically in pain are my favorite kind of people

The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” Three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.

I just drink ice with a few dashes of vodka.

I’m sarcastic because punching people is frowned upon.

You will get hurt.

This is your problem, not mine.

I have two languages, and French isn’t one of them.

If your phone needs charging, it needs charging.

You know who you are.

I can’t pretend anymore.

I always eat on the carpet, so much comfier.

You were fat in August.

I’d unfriend you but your train-wreck of a life is too entertaining.

Sorry, what was your questions again?

Let’s build pillow forts and talk about weird shit.

Level 80 sounds so bad ass.

Fun? what does this mean?

Voicemail is the devil.

I’m not being nice until they pay me.

Please come back when you’re smarter.

Now taking new members.

Sarcasm,wine and everything’s fine

The best tip you will get all day.

Please come back when you’re better prepared.

Don’t tell me to calm down.

Life has a different position for me everyday

This is what I think anyway.

I’m not going to kill this spider.

I already started 20 minutes ago.

You little rebel, I like you.

All my problems are self created.

Me every-night.

Coffee is all I need.

Please don’t call me.

Please don’t end up in Hell.

A little rebellion is always a good thing.

This sounds like a great marketing idea.

Proud member of the national sarcasm society

There’s a special place in hell for me.