We stay up late every night. Regret it every morning. Then do it again
That one password you use for everything and if anyone ever figured it out they could single-handedly ruin your entire life
Not telling me something because you “didn’t want to piss me off” is probably the best way to piss me off.
Don’t “k” me, you bastard.
People who make me laugh until i’m physically in pain are my favorite kind of people
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” Three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.
I’m so broke, I can’t even afford to pay attention to you.
90% of my socks are single and you don’t see them crying about it.
Life is complicated
Which one are you?
You’re my rock, you just sit there doing nothing.
I don’t care what you think of me.
Who gives a sh*t?
I just drink ice with a few dashes of vodka.
I’m sarcastic because punching people is frowned upon.
My vocabulary isn’t very extensive
I am not playing anymore.
I won’t remember any of it though.
There may be even more than 10.
Returning the favor is a dish best served cold.
You will get hurt.
More precisely, a sledge hammer.
Guns don’t kill people, Lego does.
Monday, Monday so bad to me.
This is your problem, not mine.
Please don’t ask me to explain this again.
Don’t confuse love with oxygen.
That ass is huge.
I will take notes.
And it will hurt.
The smell is still there from my last victim.
It’s not easy taking your ex back.
You’re not pretty enough to be that stupid.
I have two languages, and French isn’t one of them.
Some people are born to be a bitch.
He needs a sleep after all that hard work.
What did you say?
No words can express this feeling I have.
Me, every work day.
I hate Mondays.
If your phone needs charging, it needs charging.
Why I love sarcasm.
Keep the drama to television.
You know who you are.
I can’t pretend anymore.
Don’t call me, I’ll call you.
Try again tomorrow.
Contact me via Twitter if you need a ride.
I always eat on the carpet, so much comfier.
You were fat in August.
What’s a Queen without her King? well, historically better
I’d unfriend you but your train-wreck of a life is too entertaining.
Don’t break your promise.
The big good wolf.
Sorry, what was your questions again?
You know who YOU are.
Let’s build pillow forts and talk about weird shit.
Level 80 sounds so bad ass.
Karma’s a bitch.
I’m so sorry for being right again.
It sometimes takes two days.
The attic is full to the brim.
You’re always a douche.
I wish I was a nicer person.
I win again.
Will I ever recover?
Fun? what does this mean?
You have been warned.
Please swallow your food whole. Don’t chew.
I don’t think I can go to work tomorrow.
Nobody is blaming you.
Voicemail is the devil.
Your loss is someone else’s gain.
My patience is running dry.
I’m not being nice until they pay me.
Please come back when you’re smarter.
Now taking new members.
I’m awesome (I think)
Sarcasm,wine and everything’s fine
The best tip you will get all day.
My life will never be together.
Those crafty bastards.
The post was really about you.
My mouth never cooperates.
Please come back when you’re better prepared.
I’ve got a tent somewhere.
Don’t tell me to calm down.
I’m so glad you can’t read my mind.
Breaking news, I don’t care.
Please go away.
I come from Hell.
And I hate Mondays.
Life has a different position for me everyday
Trouble is my middle name.
Believe in yourself. You got this.
This is what I think anyway.
I’m not going to kill this spider.
I already started 20 minutes ago.
I don’t like you today.
You little rebel, I like you.
All my problems are self created.
This is the reason I’m single.
I like you better when you’re quiet.
Sometimes I talk too much
Would you like a fuck?
Coffee is all I need.
My life story right here.
Please don’t call me.
I wish I got paid enough for this.
Group texts can be Hell
Please don’t end up in Hell.
A little rebellion is always a good thing.
This sounds like a great marketing idea.
Proud member of the national sarcasm society
There’s a special place in hell for me.
I get this urge all the time.